I'm doing this to myself

It's 6:30 in the morning and I'm laying in bed with nothing but a big t-shirt and my favorite pair of panties on. Right next to me is a lit candle and all I can hear is the ticking of my clock and my thoughts. I feel so at peace. I haven't felt like this in a long time. I've been having trouble sleeping lately and it's because my mind is constantly racing..about things that are out of my control, about things that I should just let go, but can't seem to. Sometimes, I just want to hit the "pause" button on my life so I can step back to reevaluate everything. Sometimes, I want to just rewind and do things differently. Sometimes, I wish I had known better. I wish the line was more clear. I wish things didn't get this far. I wish I didn't feel this way. I've learned that I have such a hard time letting go, especially things that I know I should let go of, but I always somehow let my emotions get the best of me. Which I know will hurt me even more in the end. I'm doing this to myself..but I don't know how to stop.

This past semester has definitely been an emotional roller coaster ride, one right after another it seems like. There's no room to breathe. I've learned, felt, and dealt with things I would have never imagined going through. I've lost some really important people to me but at the same time I've met some pretty amazing people along the way. I wouldn't trade the world for my precious memories, good and bad, that I've made here in Oklahoma. I know I'm going to dread going back to Dallas, because my life is here in Norman, but I know my time here is running up and it breaks my heart to even say that. My family is so dysfunctional at home and I know they need me. I know I can't hide up here in Norman forever. I have no idea what the future has planned for me..but I can say that I'm genuinely scared. As much as I want to believe that everything is going to be okay and that everything will fall into place..but honestly I just don't know anymore. Everything happens for a reason right? But will they happen in time?

I feel like I have so much unresolved business here. I hope that when I do have to move back home, that I'll have the strength and courage to resolve them and have some kind of closure. I sound like I'm moving half away around the world when I only live 3 hours away. But still, it just won't be the same. I'm rambling now and the sun is coming up. I can hear the birds chirping and my eyes are getting heavy. I guess it's time to try to go to bed.

Goodmorning.