before it's too late.

Colbie Caillat - Realize

you suck.

It's so sad how you can be so close to someone and now, you feel like you don't even know them anymore.

Never regret something that once made you smile.

"Love and relationships are never like the movies no matter how much we want them to be. But when something beautiful ends, for whatever reason, it's most important not to be disappointed that it's over, but glad that it happened at all."

Easier said then done huh?

When We Say - AJ Rafael

Ryan Leslie - How It Was Supposed To Be

Something cute I found

Yesterday was a long day.
I was miserable. I couldn't stop coughing, my fever kept coming and going, I had a headache felt nauseous all day. I can't say that this weather is helping much either. I feel like my body is slowly giving out on me. I've been pushing it really hard these past couple of days, and lately I don't have much of an appetite. It probably hates me right now, I would hate me too.

I mustered up the courage to do something that I didn't know I had it in me to do. I don't know if it was the right thing to do, I don't know if it made matters better or worse. I thought it'd make me feel better, but I don't know. I just have to convince myself that it did right? I want to so badly to just feel indifferent. Maybe one day I will. In some ways, I think I feel worse, but at the same time I feel liberated? I don't know, I don't know anything anymore. Can't say that I saw this one coming. I just have to learn to appreciate what I do have and not think about what I don't have.

On a lighter note, exciting things lurk in the near future! invASIAN and Installs/Formals are coming up! Get excited. Oh and I know who I want to take my wedding pictures. lol Their photographs are so breathtaking. I love it. Check out their website! http://www.table4weddings.com/blog/

I'm feelin' this song.
Fall For Your Type - Drake

run.

If you see any sign of doubt or hesitation, that's your sign to run. If he doesn't come running after you, you keep on running.

I've realized that I really enjoy reading other people's blog (not to sound creepy or anything). But it's nice to see what others are thinking about and how they interpret their lives. I wish I had more thought provoking and interesting things to blog about, I know all I do on here is bitch about my mediocre life, hoping that it would somehow change. like now. I admit it, I use this blog to indirectly say things to people that I don't have the heart nor courage to say to their face, I used this blog to vent and rant about how my life sucks but really, it's not as bad and dramatic as I may make it seem, I use this blog to creep on other people when I'm bored, lol you get the point. I just wish that people got the same enjoyment from reading my blog that I get from reading theirs. lol but seriously, who am I kidding? There's just something about blogging that is very comforting to me, I'm not sure why or how but it just is. Like just knowing that there are people, even if it's just one person, who cares enough about you to take time out to visit your blog and read what you have to say, is a nice feeling. Does that make any sense at all?

Anyway, I don't know what the point of this post was about but that's the great thing about it, it doesn't matter because no one cares. Right?! Ok, I don't make very much sense right now because I just took another shot of cough syrup and I can feel it kickin' in. I haven't been feelin' too hot lately, it sucks because right when I'm done being emo, my immune system is giving up on me! Ahhhh! Wahhhh! Oh and I've been having some crazy dreams lately probably because I'm able to knock out and sleep like a fat baby again. But you know I can never remember them or I'd share with you and too bad I wake up feeling like dookie in the mornings lately because of whatever disease I may be getting. Errrr ok, this blog post has lost its composure, I'm sorrys!

TTFN <3

I could really use a wish right now

Stupid Girl

I slept like a baby last night..for the first time in a long time. I guess the reason why I haven't been able to sleep lately isn't a problem anymore. Letting go resulted in me finally realizing that this is not worth it. I believe that everything happens for a reason, therefore things are like this for a reason. Right? Right.

I'm tired of playing the victim, I'm tired of bitching and crying about why things aren't the way I want them to be. I've lost myself along with my dignity throughout all of this. Sometimes I feel like everything is falling apart and I can't do anything about it, but truth is, I'm the only one who can do anything. I was so stupid enough to think that I could just wait around for others to fix it. I was so stupid enough to think that things would actually work out. I was so stupid enough to think that I was worth it to you. I was so stupid to think that this could really be something great. I guess I had a momentarily lapse of judgment.

I might not be able to control my feelings, but with whatever ounce of dignity I have left, I will fight them.

If We Ever Meet Again- Timbaland ft. Katy Perry

even if the sky is falling down

It's only 7:3oam in Denver and I'm up watching the news with KimLe. wtfff! lol and Nina is still drunk from last nighhhht. Last night was so much fun/random/emotional/funny! Everything from delicious sushi & sake to orgasmic fried green tea ice cream to dirty little secrets to super tall black guys to underwear party to blackmailing each other to ordering pizza at 3 in the morning. It was definitely a night to remember.

We have lots planned today! We plan on checking out this bubble tea place we found not too far from out hotel and get this....THEY ALSO HAVE PEDICURES ON THEIR MENU!!! LOLL now how cool is that?! it's like a half bubble tea cafe and half nail salon. haha I know right?! GENIUS!! We are also checking out the law school up here for Nina! The tour is at 11, so we were supposed to wake up at 9 but we all woke up at 7 because my phone went off. oops! but also because it's superr bright in here! :/ but KimLe just fixed that problem by closing the blinds! hooray! I also really want a pair of Toms so hopefully I will be able to find a cute pair today.

I hate how I get so vulnerable when I'm intoxicated. I always say and do things I regret in the morning. I really should try to keep my feelings to myself. I wish I was stronger and I wish I was handling this better then I have been. But after last night, I am determined to get over this. It just is what it is and there's nothing I can say or to do change it. Which really sucks, I admit but I figure there's no point in beating myself up about this when I have no control over the situation. So let's march forward and move on to bigger and better things and stop looking back.

I am determined to enjoy the rest of this trip in this beautiful city and I'm excited to see what kind of trouble we can get ourselves into tonight!

(real talk)

Is it so wrong of me to believe that I don't deserve to come second to anyone.

:-(

too bad i always seem to.....

i hope u know that i won't wait around. i don't deserve this. mlia.

i just want to be somebody's #1. that's allllllllllllllll but apparently that's too much2 ask.

forgive & forget.

off to Denver, CO with some of my favorite peoples.

cheers to spontaneity!

ask me if i hate you again.

this is just what i need.
i need to get outta here.

you're just a figment of my imagination.

love this song & cover.

I'm doing this to myself

It's 6:30 in the morning and I'm laying in bed with nothing but a big t-shirt and my favorite pair of panties on. Right next to me is a lit candle and all I can hear is the ticking of my clock and my thoughts. I feel so at peace. I haven't felt like this in a long time. I've been having trouble sleeping lately and it's because my mind is constantly racing..about things that are out of my control, about things that I should just let go, but can't seem to. Sometimes, I just want to hit the "pause" button on my life so I can step back to reevaluate everything. Sometimes, I want to just rewind and do things differently. Sometimes, I wish I had known better. I wish the line was more clear. I wish things didn't get this far. I wish I didn't feel this way. I've learned that I have such a hard time letting go, especially things that I know I should let go of, but I always somehow let my emotions get the best of me. Which I know will hurt me even more in the end. I'm doing this to myself..but I don't know how to stop.

This past semester has definitely been an emotional roller coaster ride, one right after another it seems like. There's no room to breathe. I've learned, felt, and dealt with things I would have never imagined going through. I've lost some really important people to me but at the same time I've met some pretty amazing people along the way. I wouldn't trade the world for my precious memories, good and bad, that I've made here in Oklahoma. I know I'm going to dread going back to Dallas, because my life is here in Norman, but I know my time here is running up and it breaks my heart to even say that. My family is so dysfunctional at home and I know they need me. I know I can't hide up here in Norman forever. I have no idea what the future has planned for me..but I can say that I'm genuinely scared. As much as I want to believe that everything is going to be okay and that everything will fall into place..but honestly I just don't know anymore. Everything happens for a reason right? But will they happen in time?

I feel like I have so much unresolved business here. I hope that when I do have to move back home, that I'll have the strength and courage to resolve them and have some kind of closure. I sound like I'm moving half away around the world when I only live 3 hours away. But still, it just won't be the same. I'm rambling now and the sun is coming up. I can hear the birds chirping and my eyes are getting heavy. I guess it's time to try to go to bed.

Goodmorning.

I have an inner-artist in me? loll

Lookie at what I made for Yvonne! hehe

<3

I'll be fine

out of sight, out of mind right?

I don't want to fight this kind of war

I would march across the desert to defeat my enemy
And I would lie here in the trenches with your picture next to me
And when I told you it's forever, then it's how its gonna be
Don't, won't let him just take the place of me (No..)

Does he really know you like I know you, all the little things?
Does he really love you, like I love you, how can he compete?
If he makes me fight for you, die for you, would he do the same?
This is turning into way more than a game..

Now it feels like soldiers in a war and none of us are backing down
And I will show you victory is mine before we leave this battleground
Cause he don't wanna leave, and I don't wanna go
And I know just how this battle goes
He don't wanna leave and I don't wanna fight this kind of war

You know he's not the man you think he is; he's hiding all his flaws
So tell me what's the point of fighting? Because we'll all end up with scars
But girl if that's what I must go through, then I'm not prepared to lose
Cause I've already bled so much for you (No..)

Does he really know you like I know you, all the little things?
Does he really love you, like I love you, how can he compete?
If he makes me fight for you, I die for you, would he do the same?
Baby this is turning into way more than a game..

Baby cause we're soldiers in a war and none of us are backing down
And I will show you victory is mine before we leave this battleground
Cause he don't wanna leave, and I don't wanna go
And I know just how this battle goes
He don't wanna leave and I don't wanna fight this kind of war (No, No..)

Getting kind of sick of this battle
Wish I could take it back to when I had you
I'm always thinking that I can have you, just let him have you
It's getting kinda hard to convince you

After all the shit that we've been through
Why would you let all this happen?
You gotta choice to make it stop
It's already going too far..

Girl we're soldiers in a war and none of us are backing down
And I will show you victory is mine before we leave this battleground
Cause he don't wanna leave, and I don't wanna go
And I know just how this battle goes
He don't wanna leave and I don't wanna fight this kind of war

Cause he don't wanna leave, and I don't wanna go
And I know just how this battle goes
He don't wanna leave and I don't wanna fight this kind of war..

It's frustrating when you can't have what you want.

I hate the feeling..

when I'm laying in bed,
t0ssing and turning,
with so much on my mind,
not able to sleep,
watching the sun starting to
peek through the blinds in my room.

I can't control the way I feel,
but I can control what I do.
Is what I'm doing ok? Who knows. I don't.
I guess all I can do right now is

believe in my heart that everything in my life is happening just like its supposed to.

life happens

Today I had a sudden urge to be active! (uhh, and because I can't fit half of the clothes I own anymore) >:| ba humbug. So I got off my big lazy bum and off to the gym I went. I feel like I had a decent workout, but I know I could have done better. I worked out my legs pretty hard, I know I won't be able to walk up and down stairs tomorrow lol but I got to get rid of these thunder thighs somehow! I love the feeling to being sore! It's like a good kind of pain? I'll work out even harder next time.

Tonight I was asked to help plan kdphi's and lambda's installs/formals again this semester. (because I was in charge last semester and it was pretty amazing) haha jk. But I'm definitely excited to help again this year! It'll keep me busy and that's just exactly what I need right now. Over these past years, I've realized that I really enjoy planning events and parties. It's so rewarding when game day comes along and everything is beautifully executed; when you're able to sit back during the event and just watch everyone enjoying themselves and having a good time and knowing that you contributed to that, is a sweet feeling. Not a lot of people know this, but my dream job one day is to become a wedding planner. I have this strange obsession with weddings and everything that has to do with weddings. Is that scary? Would I scare boys away? lol The whole concept of uniting two people who are in love fascinates me; a little girl's dream come true; the happiest day of a man's/woman's life. I think I'd be damn good at it too! But who am I kidding right? I can't imagine having a conversation with my parents, telling them that I want to drop nursing and pursue party planning. They'd disown me and tell me that I've dishonored our family. hah jk, but seriously, it'd get ugly. I'd rather not think about what crazy and irrational things they'd say. Sometimes I wish I was white, with hippie parents. Then, they'd encourage me to do what I love right? So that I don't grow up bitter resenting myself and my life. Oh well, maybe someday. A girl can dream right?

Speaking of dreams, I've had some super weird ones lately. Too bad I can't remember then, or else I'd share.

Other then that, my life isn't very exciting. Nothing new, nothing to look forward to. Sometimes I feel like I've hit a plateau and I'm longing for something new and exciting, but at the same time I'm scared. Its hard to wear my heart on my sleeve because nowadays it seems like everything is "complicated." Nothing seems to ever be simple anymore. It's never just black or white anymore, but hundreds shades of gray. It's frustrating but life happens. It's never fair is it? The past seems to haunt us and no one is ever able to let go..perhaps because they gave them too much to hold on to. I've learned that holding onto mere memories of what used to be and what was, ended up hurting me even more in the long run.

I'm rambling now. It's 5am, wayyyy past my bed time :(

Some cool songs Pandora played tonight:
Someday by John Legend
The Rain Don't Stop by Hope
Complicated by Robin Thicke
Forget Me Not by Lucie Silvas
Officially Missing You by Tamia

Goodnight and sweetest dreams.

"I love how things work out in the end. You may have doubt throughout, but if you’re in doubt it’s not the end. If you’re unhappy, it’s not the end. Have faith in what you do and feel confident while doing it because in the end it all has to work out."

-Unknown

restless nights.

Just a couple of cool things I came across on the world wide web on some of those restless nights;

Michael Kors Chain Necklace


I prob wouldn't be able to pull this necklace off.. but I think it's pretty bad A.

Rock&Republic Studded Pumps & Christian Louboutin Jeannette Spiked Sandals


Big bad girl shoes. Idk, I feel like there's just something about having sexy sharp spikes on your pumps that make you feel invincible, like you can conquer the world in them.

Entry Lock Double Finger Ring by Little Rooms

"a nostalgic charm with a modern edge."

I had no idea that Adidas made such cute man clothes!



...or maybe it's the male models that are really cute...? jk!


Outdoor Cove Bed


Last and certainly not least, I'd totally love to have one of these things in my back yard some day. It'd be great for spooning. lol

easy way out

scared of the future

can't let go

stick with what's comfortable right?

asdfjhasldkhskfas;dfjd;fdfhaskdjflaskd

one big hot mess.

Reunited at last. a little special birdie convinced me to blog so here I am; I'm back... with more problems then everr.

Things have been absolutely crazy lately, and I wish I could hit the pause button PLEASE. For once, I felt like I had no control over anything in my life. Everything was happening so fast, and I had no idea what I was doing. Stupid stupid me. I let things get out of control; people's feelings are getting hurt; I was vulnerable and rash and I can't help but think that this is all my fault. Wait, scratch that, I don't think it was my fault, I know it's my fault. But what has happened, has happened and I can't do a goddamn thing to change it. The only thing left to do is to move forward.

But where is forward? I ask. Who freaking knows?! I can't even tell right from wrong. Lately, I feel as if my judgment has been clouded..by what? I don't know. Life works in funny ways, and when unexpected things are thrown at me, I freaking freak out. I panicked. But I did what I felt like was the right thing to do. I put myself first. I know I'm selfish. I did what I had to, to put myself out the misery that I was in.

Letting go is never easy. It's hard and it sucks. But I've come to realize that sometimes, it's what is best. Finding closure is something I need in order to let go and move on, but I'm figuring out that it can be kind of tricky sometimes. I've already made up my mind and I must be strong and stand by my decision. I'm blessed to have so many wonderful people around me who support me and believe in me. They are the ones who keep me sane when I feel like going jackshit crazyy on everyone. No joke!

heavy heart.

Rev Run always has good advice: "Single ladies: Sometimes you have to stand alone just to prove you can still stand! true story"

Jammin' to: Who I am - Nick JOnas

<3